Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Yet Another Air Disaster

The pilot has obviously lost all control over his aircraft.
Fortunately he narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show,
but couldn't avoid slamming into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.


Probably scared the s--t out of them.

Missing Friend

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian,a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist, a Zulu, an Afrikaner and an Ethiopian went to a night club. The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you  come in without a Thai".

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Car Crash

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks for a moment, and then replies, "I guess I'd like to hear them say, 'Look, he's moving!'"


A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

Monday, 23 May 2011


A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States .

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East .. I am not American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

The Elderly Italian

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Pig Toes

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her peace.

When she was done, one of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"

Important Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Saturday, 21 May 2011

A Flying Fear

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached
a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain
speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought
me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"


Friday, 20 May 2011

School Photo

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."

New Electric Train

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say..."All passengers please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She heard her little darling continue..." for those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are hacked off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Older and Smarter

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay" He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars r ed-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

The Ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders. 
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke,"
and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll  have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $9.40 please."
The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again
and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke." 
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak,
baked potato and a salad," says the man.     
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,
"That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change
out of his pocket and  places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir.
How do you manage to always come up with
the exact change in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man,
"several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress.
"Most people would ask for a million dollars or something,
but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right,
Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Medical Observation

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."

Teacher's Comeback

The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member).

A wise student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Two Inmates in a Nut House

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

Old and Forgetful

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques - visualization, association - it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

Good Impression

An older man, not in the best physical condition, asked the trainer in the gym, "I want to impress that beautiful girl. Which machine should I use?"

The trainer replied...

"Use the ATM machine outside the gym!"

Monday, 16 May 2011

Gone but not forgotten

Four older men stand on the first tee. Just as Ralph is about to hit his tee shot, a funeral procession drives by. Ralph takes off his hat and bows his head until the procession is finished. Once the procession is over, he puts his hat back on his head and starts to line up his shot. John and the other guys are astonished.

John says, "Ralph, we have had a standing tee time together for the past 10 years. We didn't know that you were such a sentimental guy."

Ralph says, "Hell, we were married for 25 years, it's the least I could do."

Albert Einstein

Three men die and are waiting at the Pearly Gates when St. Peter tells them that there will be a slight delay but not to worry that he will have Albert Einstein visit with them during their wait. 

Albert arrives and introduces himself to the first man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the first man answers, "241".

"That is wonderful!", says Albert.

"We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!".

Albert introduces himself to the second man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the second man answers, "144".

"That is great!", responds Albert.

"We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to the third man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the third man answers, "51".

"How about that Nick Clegg eh?", says Albert.

History of Maths in America

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills.  I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching maths since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Maths In The 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In The 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In The 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In The 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Maths In The 2000s

Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.

7. Teaching Maths In 2011

Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Sunday, 15 May 2011

Irish Bingo

A young girl from Ireland leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat. "Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo!"

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.

She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up. When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indeed there is, me darlin," replies her Mom.

"But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?" 

Moral of the story:-

You can never fool your Mom!

The Irish Virgin

In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make the proper "final" arrangements.

As a last wish, she informed the undertaker that she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN"

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker/postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfill the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone.

For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem. The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows: 


Italian Spelling

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend how to spella Mississippi."

Saturday, 14 May 2011

Perks of being 50+

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without $ex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all
out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party
started, two tramps showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the
tramps, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will
help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear
of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the
clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would
probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the
children herself.  She happened to look out the window and saw one of the
tramps doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from
tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other tramp and said, "What your friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I would pay him £50!"

The other tramp says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him.


Wednesday, 11 May 2011


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said ... "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 18-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 68-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 18-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV. Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates, You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

(scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer. The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Monday, 9 May 2011

All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark

  1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
  2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.
  3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
  4. Build on high ground.
  5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
  6. Two heads are better than one.
  7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.
  8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
  9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.
  10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
  11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain -- shovel!!!
  12. Stay below deck during the storm.
  13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.
  14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
  15. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.
  16. Don't miss the boat.
  17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other side.

Sunday, 8 May 2011

David Cameron visits a school:

Did anyone tell you about the day when David Cameron was visiting a primary school in England, and was taken into the room of a class discussing words and their meanings.
The teacher asked David Cameron whether he would care to lead a discussion on the word "Tragedy", so he asked the class to give him an example.

A little boy stood up, and said, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, was playing in the field, and a tractor ran over him, and killed him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," said David Cameron, 'that wouldn't be a tragedy: that would be an accident".
A little girl raised her hand: "If the school bus had fifty boys and girls in it, and it drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy".

"I'm afraid not," explained David Cameron; "That is what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No child volunteered.

  David Cameron's eyes searched the room. "Can no one here give me an example of a tragedy?"

At the back of the room, a little hand went up, and a quiet voice said, "If a plane carrying you and Nick Clegg was struck by friendly fire and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy".

"Magnificent!" exclaimed David Cameron, "That's right! And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?"
"Well," said the quiet voice, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident."

Saturday, 7 May 2011

Drunk Man and a Priest

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."