Saturday, 30 July 2011

Today's kids

A salesman knocks on Little Johnnie"s door. 

Johnnie comes to the door smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.

The salesman asks hey little fella, "Is your mom & dad home? 

Little Johnnie replies"

"What Do You Think?"

It's the awkward moment ...

 Look at the picture before you read the caption at the bottom. No cheating.

It's the awkward moment ...

The awkward moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked !!!!

Friday, 29 July 2011

The Butcher

A pompous, wealthy matron walks into a butcher shop, taps her fingers arrogantly on the counter and says, "Butcher, I want a Long Island Duckling." The butcher walks to the back room, grabs a duck off the shelf and places it down in front of the woman.

She promptly takes her right hand and inserts two fingers into the rear end of the duck and says, "Butcher, this is NOT a Long Island duckling. It is a Pittsburgh duckling. I DO NOT WANT a Pittsburgh duckling - take it back.

The butcher mutters under his breath, grabs the duck, goes to the back room, grabs a different duck, and plops it down on the counter. The woman again inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and disgustingly says, "Butcher, THIS IS NOT A LONG ISLAND DUCKLING - IT IS BOSTON DUCKLING - TAKE IT BACK!

By this time, the butcher is really steamed. He grabs another duck off the shelf and practically throws it at the woman. Once again, she inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and says, "Well finally you brought me a Long Island duckling. I'll take it. Wrap it up."

The butcher, seething, wraps up the duck and then the woman arrogantly asks, "Butcher, how long have you worked here?" He replies, "Two months."

"And where are you from?" she asks. At which point, he pulls down his pants, turns his butt toward her and says, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!"


The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

 The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 
'This is amazing.  How do you do it at your age?'
 The old man grinned and said, 
'You got to keep the old motor running.'
 The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She 
said, 'Sir, you are something else.   How do you manage it?'
 The old man grinned and said

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
 A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, 
and said, 'Well, you surely are something   else! 
 How do you do it?'
 The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
 The nurse, still smiling,

patted him on the back and said:
 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.

 This one's black.'

Thursday, 28 July 2011

Kiss the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Weight-loss Running Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Eyes of the Beholder

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get  a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at  midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around

The Haircut


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son:
'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible,
but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair ~ ~ ~ and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:


'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

Monday, 25 July 2011

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars , but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going !'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the he at?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.


When you rearrange the letters:

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When you rearrange the letters:

Sunday, 24 July 2011

retired people

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. 
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.. I called him a Dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So Mary called him a jerk. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. 
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.


A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company, knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?" She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time." "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?" "We use it when we have sex," she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?" The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

Saturday, 23 July 2011

Newspaper Headlines

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out:

- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
- Miners Refuse to Work after Death
- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
- War Dims Hope for Peace
- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Stolen Painting Found by Tree
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

Friday, 22 July 2011


In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies, "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses he lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

Urologist Appointment

I had an appointment to see a urologist who
shared an office with several other doctors.  The waiting room was the size of
a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients.

I approached the desk and gave the receptionist -- a large, imposing
woman who looked like a wrestler.  In a very loud voice she repeated
my  name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here-----you want to see the
doctor about IMPOTENCE, right?

I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an
equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change
operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!!"

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Agony Aunt Abby

Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following!

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby, I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember these people can vote, which probably explains the current situation in Washington, DC.

Dear Landlord

Genuine extracts from Letters Sent to Landlords:

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Wednesday, 20 July 2011


Jose and Carlos are panhandlers......They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 2 to 3 dollars every day. Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos says to Jose 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?'.

Jose says, .... 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Carlos' sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.'

Jose says ' No wonder you only get 2 - 3 dollars

'Carlos says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Jose shows Carlos his sign......It reads, 'I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico'

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs..

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

What were you

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Bronze Statue

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

A Guy Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess
... "Will you marry me?"
The Princess said "NO!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after
and rode motorcycles
and went fishing and hunting and played golf
and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch
and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted
The End

Monday, 18 July 2011

The Barber Shop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Modern Proverbs

a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious

i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway.

p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.

y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

Hunter and Pigmy

A hunter walking through the jungle, found a huge, dead dinosaur, with a pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked, "Did you kill that?"

The pigmy said, "Yes."

The hunter asked, "How could a little bloke like you kill a huge beast like that?"

The pigmy said, "I killed it with my club."

The astonished hunter asked, "How big is your club?"

The pigmy replied, "There are about two hundred of us."


On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to
make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might
affect our relationship.

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out
on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.
If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your
honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've
concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The
truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and
overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Gorilla Remover

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."

He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put

him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"

Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

Friday, 15 July 2011

The Eternal Optimist

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side. So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.

Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''

And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says,''Well it could have been worse.''

Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''

Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

Chinese Laundry

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Finding You

I will seek and find You . . I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and Go get your flu shot!

New Priest in Town

A priest from Ireland was assigned to a Texas diocese.

One morning, Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day
in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom
to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there
was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly
called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sergeant Jones, how might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.
Brigid's . There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple O yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true, but we are also
obliged to notify the next of kin.

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Beer Research

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally.
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says. "I spoke to your wife...spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes, and the Rabbi replied,

"Take the poison!"

Monday, 11 July 2011

You Can't Please Everyone

An old man, a boy, and a donkey were on their way to town. The boy was riding the donkey.

As they went along, they passed a goup of people who remarked it was a shame the old man had to walk while the young boy was riding. The man and boy thought about the criticism and decided maybe the people were right, so they switched places.

Later they passed another group of people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man made the little boy walk. The two travelers decided that they would BOTH walk.

Soon they passed a third group of people who said they were stupid to walk , when they had such a fine donkey to ride. So, the two decided they would both ride the donkey.

The next group of people they passed said that it was AWFUL that the two put such a heavy load on the poor donkey. The old man & boy thought that maybe the people were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

Soon they came to a river, with a narrow bridge spanning it. As they attempted to cross the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal & it fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story ?

If you try to please everyone, you may as well............

kiss your ass goodbye.

Quote of the Day

Woman's Quote of the Day:

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job
to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into
something with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and
intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go
all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Real Ads

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-annual After-Christmas sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Dinner special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

11. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

12. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home.

13. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

14. Great dames for sale.

15. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

16. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

17. Vacation special: have your home exterminated.

18. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first.

23. Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

27. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Wise Sayings

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
* Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
* Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
* Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday .night."
* Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
* Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
* Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
* Camille Paglia & Bill Anderson

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
* George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
* Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading."
* Steve Jobs

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it., so I said "Thyroid problem?'"
*Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." * Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
* Jack Nicholson

He never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
* Barbara Bush

"Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
* Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
* Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
* Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
* Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
* Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked.'"
* Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
* Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
* Robin Williams

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts
*Jeff Foxworthy

Saturday, 9 July 2011

And then the fight started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the  dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential  downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the  radio,=2
0and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Shit. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream

And then the fight started....  

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. 
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. 
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. 
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. 
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. 
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. 
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. 
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.' 
And then the fight started...


A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was  

leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching  

the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them  

was how to speak English.  

  So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.  He points to a tree  

and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'  

  The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'  

  The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further  

and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'  

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'  


The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he  

hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a  

couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.  


The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'  


The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.  


The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent  

years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each  

other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?  

The chief replied, 'My bike.' 

Friday, 8 July 2011

Psychiatric Hotline

We've all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call.

If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you one will answer any way.

Who Am I?

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Thursday, 7 July 2011

For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words)

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Strange and Funny Tombstones

Born 1903-Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.


In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767


In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.


In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast. .
Pardon me
For not rising.


In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.


In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.


A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange. .
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.


John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art
In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.


In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle
Went out of tune.


Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont

Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God


In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went


Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:

Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More

Tuesday, 5 July 2011

Vacuum Cleaner Salesman

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this fresh horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning!"

Things You Can't Say With a Hallmark

1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you."

4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."

6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before this!"

8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday, so we're having you put to sleep."

13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"

14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine."

16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to ruin your life!"

18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."

19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it."

20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it quits?"

23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very much."

Monday, 4 July 2011

Philosophy Class

. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?