I Don't Feel Stupid Anymore

 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 

 Now that's a lineman!!


 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 



 AND MY FAVORITE


  
    


.and as soon as this happens......... retire with dignity.......

Ouch

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, i couldnt believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

Now What?

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

5 Riddles

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW: 

 

Answers:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter e, which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

How did you do?

Puns, For the Educated Mind

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

I'm Broke

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. 'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. ''Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.''

The old lady stepped back and said, ''Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning!

Car Popsicle

There was one story about people shoveling the snow for a parking space in front their house. This apparently is a problem for the Chicago police every winter. What happens is that somebody will park in a nearby parking lot, then slave away for how ever many hours it takes to shovel out a car-sized space in front of his house, naturally so he can park his car there. Then he goes back to the lot to get his car.

When he returns home, he finds that the space has been taken by some other car. He is, well, upset.

What most people do is write nasty notes etc. and place them on the windshield of the offending vehicle. Where the police get involved, however, is the occasional case where the individual vents his wrath in somewhat more violent means. Tires and throats have been slashed over this.

One time a fellow got creative. Instead of doing the usual nasty, he got out his garden hose and watered the automobile down, really well. I mean, very, very thoroughly. The water, of course, froze solid. When the owner returned, instead of a car, he found a car-sized Popsicle.

The note on the car read: "You want the space? Here, it's yours until spring!"

DOG BASEBALL

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on...," the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."

"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience.

"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog, "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"

Talking Frog

At 72 years old I love to fish. I was sitting in my boat the other day when I heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' I looked around and couldn't see anyone. I thought I was dreaming when I heard the voice say again, 'Pick me up.' I looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

I said, 'Are you talking to me?' The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I' ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I' ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
I looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in my front pocket. The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn' t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride. 'I opened my pocket, looked at the frog and said, 'Nah, at my age I' d rather have a talking frog.'

Pastimes

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples' favorite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

"Sir, what is your name?" asked the student.

"John."

"Sir, I'm doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in the bath," came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.

He asked again, "Sir, what is your name ?"

"Jeff."

"Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?"

"Watching bubbles in a bath," was the answer.

Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime... "watching bubbles in a bath".

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - "What is your name?"

"Bubbles."

The Minister and the Taxi Driver

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed
in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you
to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles
and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's
for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter
the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff.
How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Facial Expression

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

Things Not To Say During Childbirth:

- Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

-- Do you think the baby will come before Monday Night Football starts?

-- I hope your ready. The Glamour Shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

-- If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

-- That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

-- When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

-- You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

-- This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I Love Lucy.

-- Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

-- Stop your swearing and just breathe.

-- Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! HEE HEE HOO HOO. You're not using the right words.

-- Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there

Today's kids

A salesman knocks on Little Johnnie"s door. 

Johnnie comes to the door smoking a cigar and drinking a beer.

The salesman asks hey little fella, "Is your mom & dad home? 

Little Johnnie replies"

"What Do You Think?"

It's the awkward moment ...

 Look at the picture before you read the caption at the bottom. No cheating.


It's the awkward moment ...

The awkward moment when your friend's "fat arm" makes you look naked !!!!

The Butcher

A pompous, wealthy matron walks into a butcher shop, taps her fingers arrogantly on the counter and says, "Butcher, I want a Long Island Duckling." The butcher walks to the back room, grabs a duck off the shelf and places it down in front of the woman.

She promptly takes her right hand and inserts two fingers into the rear end of the duck and says, "Butcher, this is NOT a Long Island duckling. It is a Pittsburgh duckling. I DO NOT WANT a Pittsburgh duckling - take it back.

The butcher mutters under his breath, grabs the duck, goes to the back room, grabs a different duck, and plops it down on the counter. The woman again inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and disgustingly says, "Butcher, THIS IS NOT A LONG ISLAND DUCKLING - IT IS BOSTON DUCKLING - TAKE IT BACK!

By this time, the butcher is really steamed. He grabs another duck off the shelf and practically throws it at the woman. Once again, she inserts two fingers up the duck's rear and says, "Well finally you brought me a Long Island duckling. I'll take it. Wrap it up."

The butcher, seething, wraps up the duck and then the woman arrogantly asks, "Butcher, how long have you worked here?" He replies, "Two months."

"And where are you from?" she asks. At which point, he pulls down his pants, turns his butt toward her and says, "WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME!"

THE OLD MOTOR

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.
  
 The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 
'This is amazing.  How do you do it at your age?'
  
 The old man grinned and said, 
'You got to keep the old motor running.'
  
 The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She 
said, 'Sir, you are something else.   How do you manage it?'
  
 The old man grinned and said

'You gotta keep the old motor running.'
  
 A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, 
and said, 'Well, you surely are something   else! 
 How do you do it?'
  
 The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'
 
 The nurse, still smiling,

patted him on the back and said:
 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil.
 This one's black.'

Kiss the Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first, you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Weight-loss Running Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week

Eyes of the Beholder

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get  a stay
of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at  midnight. His
last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling
worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?'
'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the
bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself
up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had
been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged
tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go
upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her
husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

To which he whirled around
and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?